WHAT YOU CAN DO TO

SUPPORT A CO-WORKER

WHO IS BEING ABUSED

- A LIST OF "DO'S AND DON'TS"

	Family Refuge Center 117 E. Washington Street P. O. Box 249 Lewisburg, WV 24901 304-645-6334 Pocahontas County dial: 799-4400 Monroe County dial: 772-5005 frc@familyrefugecenter.com
We can not guarantee your confidentiality or safety if you use the internet to contact us. Someone may be able to access or read e-mail to us or you. Please call or write if you need total secrecy

You may be the co-worker of a woman who is a victim of domestic violence. She may be looking for someone to talk to and she may have chosen you. The following list of "do's" and "don'ts" may be helpful.

DO

• Believe her.
• Encourage, but don't pressure her to talk about the abuse.
• Respect her need for confidentiality.
• Listen to her and support her feelings without judging her.
• Let her know that she is not alone. Domestic assault happens to many women.
• Reassure her that the abuse is not her fault. She is not to blame.
• Give her 3 clear messages that: she can't change her partner's behavior; apologies and promises will not end the violence; and violence is never justifiable.
• Her physical safety is the first priority. Discuss her options and help her make safety plans for herself and her children.
• Give her the time she needs to make her own decisions.
• If she is not ready to make major changes in her life, do not take away your support.
• Give her a list of key community resources that support and work with assaulted women.

Battered women need our support and encouragement, but some forms of advice can be harmful or dangerous. Consider the following and...

DON'T

• Tell her what to do, when to leave, or not to leave.
• Tell her to go back and try a little harder.
• Rescue her by trying to make decisions for her.
• Offer to try to talk to her partner to straighten things out.
• Tell her she should stay because of the children.

• Ask direct questions gently. Give her ample opportunity to talk. Don't rush into providing solutions.
• Listen - without judging. Abused women often believe their abusers' negative messages. They feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate, and are afraid they will be judged.
• Let her know that you support and care about her, that she's not responsible for the violence, that only the abuser can stop the violence.
• Let her know that it is likely that, in spite of his promises, the violence will continue and, probably escalate.
• Emphasize that when she is ready, she can make a choice to leave the relationship, and that help is available.
• Provide her with information about local resources - the phone number of the local domestic violence hotline, support groups, counseling, shelter program, and legal advocacy services.
• She may need financial assistance, or help finding a place to live, or a place to store her belongings. She may need assistance to escape. Decide if you feel comfortable helping her out in these ways.
• Contact your local domestic violence program yourself for advice or guidance.
• Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable, at any time. There's no excuse for it - not drugs, not alcohol, not financial pressure, not depression, not jealousy.
• Make sure she knows that she's not alone - that millions of American women from every ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic group suffer from abuse, and that many women find it difficult to leave.
• Also explain that domestic violence is a crime - as much of a crime as robbery or rape and that she can seek protection from the justice system.
• If she has children, reinforce her concern for them, letting her know that domestic violence is damaging to children. In fact, you may want to reach out to support her children, and let them know you're there for them too.
• If she is planning to leave, remind her to take important papers with her, such as birth certificates, passports, health insurance documents, etc.
• If she remains in the relationship, continue to be her friend while at the same time firmly communicating to her that she and her children do not deserve to be in this violent situation.
• If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police.
  Because these assaults are often dangerous, do not physically intervene.

Some related information:

1. Helping a sexually assualted friend and some common reactions to rape

2. Assessing character types, (how safe are you?) Assessing whether batterers will kill and signs to look for in a battering personality.

3. Personalized safty plan for the abused A print ready page that lists steps and items to prepare in case a speedy escape is required.

For more information:

	Family Refuge Center 117 E. Washington Street P. O. Box 249 Lewisburg, WV 24901 304-645-6334 Pocahontas County dial: 799-4400 Monroe County dial: 772-5005 frc@familyrefugecenter.com
We can not guarantee your confidentiality or safety if you use the internet to contact us. Someone may be able to access or read e-mail to us or you. Please call or write if you need total secrecy

Thank you for your time.

This page has been accessed times since July 31, 2000.

This page was created Nov 28,1997
By Michael Condon
If you have any questions or comments about this page, send e-mail.