Family Refuge Center 117 E. Washington Street P. O. Box 249 Lewisburg, WV 24901 304-645-6334 Pocahontas County dial: 799-4400 Monroe County dial: 772-5005 frc@familyrefugecenter.com

We can not guarantee your confidentiality or safety if you use the internet to contact us. Someone may be able to access or read e-mail to us or you. Please call or write if you need total secrecy

HELPING A FRIEND

WHO HAS BEEN

SEXUALLY ASSAULTED

FOR MORE INFORMATION,
CALL THE FAMILY REFUGE CENTER AT
(304) 645-6334 OR (304) 799-4400

Your support as a friend can make a big difference to someone who has been sexually assaulted. You can begin by letting your friend know you want to listen. It doesn't matter so much what you say but how you listen. It is important to:

• Find a time to be alone with her
• Let her talk without interrupting her
• Show interest in what she says by sitting close and facing her
• Nod your head occasionally to let her know you are still with her and listening
• You may feel nervous about stalls and silences. They're OK, just let them happen
• If she needs help to continue talking, try repeating back to her the things she has said
• BELIEVE HER - people rarely make up stories about a sexual assault
• Let her know you care. This may be the first time your friend has ever told about the sexual assault.
• Give whatever expression of sympathy is comfortable.

Some things below have worked for other teens. These include:

"It must have been tough". "I cried with her". "I reached out and touched her hand and put my arm around her shoulder". " I was afraid to open my mouth. Even though I didn't think it was funny, I felt a giggle coming on. But I didn't let myself giggle. I concentrated on breathing deeply and the giggle went away". (If you do giggle or smile at the wrong moment, you can say something like "I don't know why I did that, it just came out").

Reassure her that SHE IS NOT TO BLAME. Blaming questions such as "Why didn't you scream?" or "Were you hitchhiking"? are not helpful. Instead you might say, "It's difficult to scream when you're frightened" or Hitchhiking is risky, but you were asking for a ride, not rape".

Let her be in control of who knows about the sexual assault. Keep whatever she says between you and maybe a trusted adult like a teacher or a mom. "I told two friends and asked them not to tell anyone. One friend didn't tell anyone, but my best friend told my classmates and rumors were spread around school. People treat me different now - either like I did something wrong or they treat me special like I have a real problem. I don't feel like going to school anymore".

If your friend is a victim of incest, being a friend means to tell someone who can do something about it. You might tell a trusted adult such as a parent, a teacher, or counselor. Trained people who work at rape crisis centers or counseling agencies for kids also know what to do. Child Protect ive Services or the police can be called since incest is against the law.

NOTE: Take care of yourself too. Hearing about the sexual assault of a friend is upsetting. Sometimes people, as they are recovering from rape, reject those friends who were most helpful at their time of crisis. You may become that rejected friend because you are a clear reminder of the rape she is trying to forget. Most likely if you give her the time and space she needs, she will return to the friendship.

FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT
THE FAMILY REFUGE CENTER
AT (304) 645-6334 OR (304) 799-4400

After a sexual assault, you may want to talk to somebody but don't know whom to trust. Who will really listen? Who won't blame or judge? Getting back to normal can take a long time and you may be wondering if there is any one who can help. Many survivors have found it helpful to talk to rape crisis counselors. They are trained to listen and they understand the many feelings that are part of the Rape Trauma Syndrome. They will try to help you think through your decisions and deal with your feelings in the way that is best for you. They are ready to help you whenever you need them, now or in the future. Below are some of the common reactions to sexual assault.

________________________________________________________________________

• EMOTIONAL SHOCK: I feel numb. Why am I so calm? Why can't I cry?
• DISBELIEF: Did it really happen? Why me?
• EMBARRASSMENT: What will people think? No I can't tell my family.
• SHAME: I feel so dirty, like there is something wrong with me now. I want to wash my hands all day long.
• GUILT: I feel as if I did something to make this happen to me. If only I had......
• DEPRESSION: How am I going to go on? I feel so tired and hopeless.
• POWERLESSNESS: Will I ever feel in control again?
• DISORIENTATION: I can't sit still. I'm having trouble getting through the day. I'm just overwhelmed!
• RETRIGGERING: I keep having flashbacks. I wish they would stop.
• DENIAL: Wasn't it "just" a rape?
• FEAR: I'm afraid of so many things. Will I get pregnant or get VD? Am I safe? Can people tell what's happened to me? Will I ever want to be intimate again? Will I ever get over this? I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I have nightmares that terrify me.
• ANXIETY: I'm a nervous wreck! I have trouble breathing (Anxiety is often expressed in physical symptoms like difficulty in breathing, muscle tension, sleep trouble,change in appetite, nausea, stomachaches, nightmares).
• ANGER: I want to KILL him

FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT

	Family Refuge Center 117 E. Washington Street P. O. Box 249 Lewisburg, WV 24901 304-645-6334 Pocahontas County dial: 799-4400 Monroe County dial: 772-5005 frc@familyrefugecenter.com
We can not guarantee your confidentiality or safety if you use the internet to contact us. Someone may be able to access or read e-mail to us or you. Please call or write if you need total secrecy

This page has been accessed times since July 31, 2000.

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This page was created Nov 28,1997
By Michael Condon
Last Update: July 31, 2000
If you have any questions or comments about this page, send e-mail.